Dear Journal

y eyes closed right now...trying to fall asleeep while thinking and listening to the fray's im over my hesad...i just realized i should have put quotes around that ...my bad. woops. ok. so i love this and hate it at the same time. so yea its me again. and i k have inda wanted to post something except that now im all sleepy. oh well im practically typing with m 
i just realized i typed in the wrong crap...crap! yay i got the exclamation mark i usually have to look for that. wow. her phone freaked me out. it starting ringin like crazy. ahh my tummy is doing twirlies cause im gonna leave. im officially a dropout i think..cause i wont transfer till may. OMFG....i know dont use God's name in vain. im sorry God. i really am sorry. thank you for all the wonderful things you've given me.ou and thanks for letting me tell someone my story for the first time ever. well...half of it anyways. it didnt really make me feel better...but atleast i know that someone else knows. you know? i love youu and miss youch u lord. its been such a long time since i had spoken to you.ay diosito lindo ayudame. porfavor. que te juro que necesito tu vendicion ahorita. y perdona por haber jurado...que todavia no entiendo. ay me duelen las patas. ay yay ya yay! canta y no llores... im over my head with something i said completely makes red a  matter of death i might as well be dead...i know i just screwed with the lyrics by the way. you know what i tihnk i may start a v log. i say this dude on youtube, englishteaboy, that does the lamest vlogs but they still manage to be a little interesting to watch you know? its so obvious that some of that was practiced but it doesnt matter. what matters is that I have decided to vlog which is practically everyone on here. omg. i want to cry. i wish you were a stranger to disingage. cant we all get along. omg. aaahhh....i wanna vomit. not the good kind either...the really bad kind that leaves an awful aftertaste in your mouth. i know i know...since when was there a good vomit? since you didnt have to have the taste of it till the next day....ugh. still gross please notice that i was gonna put an exclamation mark after ugh but decided against it when my fingers tried to reach the said exclamation point but failed miserably. ayayayay. my tummy hurts. i want milk and honey. aahahaha. i m just kidding...thats pretty gross actually but im not sure where i've heard of that. hmmm....im scratching my head right now...*john is probably scratching his balls right now* lol...jk. no umm when we were talking...we ran out of stuff to said so we were trading back actions like.... "errr" "ummm" "crickets chirping in background" "ambulance wail" *scratching head *scratching balls...you know like that. lol yea studpid l. but it was funny at the time ok. ok? shanaynay dont make me get out the shovel...mmmmkaaay??
oh well now im hungry and sleepy and worried and preocupied and ugh. i love sum 41....seriously...sum 41 or blink 82 sum def. wins...no wonder avril married the lead singer...she gets to hear good music the rest of her life. ok. my tummy is now seriously rumbling or in the process actually. its okay though. ill live. oh i guess i gotta call my dad at twelve seventeen in the moring . lol. im listening to the three renditions of over my head. one: the fray two: sum 41 three: summer fades to fall. lol. i guess i gotta go make that stupid call.

a hahahaha!!!!! I JUST HAD THE BEST CONVERSATION WITH A 23 YEAR OLD THAT THINKS HES ABOVE IT ALL...JUST CAUSE HE HAS A KID. LOL. SERIOUSLY. HOW FUCKING CONCEITED MUST THE DUDE BE? LIKE I GIVE A FREAK WHAT THE HELL HE SAYS. ITS EVERYTHING THAT HES TALKING ABOUT THIS. IHV TO GO 2 WORK. TALK TO U LATER

 oh, yea. did i tell u i got so much dirt yesterday after talking the h kid?
my best friend and i had gotten in  a fight before, she called me a whore, something i'm not. But whatever we got over it....and got dirt from other ppl. So much crap has been going on while i've been away. Cant wait to go back home. BLACKMAIL...bwahahahaha!

Nice guy just came in nd all i could do was knock my knee and be like fine thanks when he was like how are u? *moaning* oww. it hurts.

 I think u deserve another entry after what happened yesterday. ok, so iget home from the test...nd u know how i said that other kid ignored me, well we "talked". after begging to put on the cam i finally decided to do so. Nd guess what? He smokes, he drinks, hes a pig. he would be the type of guy i would ignore in highschool. i know that is mean. but seriously...like a deadbeat. He doesnt go to school, he's a builder (which is ok) but lookss like a total deadbeat. I mean if he atleast had some personality going for him...but the only thing he talked about was getting naughty in the camera. What the hell is that? he was like come on...tease me alittle. Dumbass. i was like do u think im stupid..after he was like comeon ur friends wont know. ahahaha. like that would work. if he wanted porn so bad he could rented vids...not asked me. the fucking little perv. (by the way...yea he's the one with lady jam)eeeewwwwwww. seriously. im traumatized. Neways...he waslike im drrunk...can i talk when im not drunk? i was like sure (sarcastic). nd then shut off the cam.
but yea. what a bitter dissappointment. u knoww i wanted him to ask about my day, where in the states do u live...show some interest. nope. instead he behaved like a horny jackass nd kept saying waht i told u before. ugh. guys are such dicks.thats all they think about.

yea. so remember the other guy? yea. no. he doesnt seem into it like before. i think im just gonna give up. like im the one that has to start conversations...he wont. nd whn im like...talk...he laughs nd he says "im the strong silent type". hmmm...im just gonna give up on hi.m. if he wants something with me. he can look for me. nd then this other guy that i met last night...how i met i wont say...but the most rememberal thing about him is...lady jam. ewwwwwwwwwwww. ugggghhhhhhh. seriously. u dont want to know. nd then i thought ethan only had one arm...which then i realized he didnt. nd then i imed the other kid...but he didnt answer. so i was like kay. whatever. fuck both of u. so now im giving up completely. i have to get my life back. i swear to god. no more facebook. no more messenger. .. well i'll still be on but i wont be like obsessing over it like i am right now u know? it was slowly sucking my life away. i need to do some new stuff. im gonna focus on working. doing stuff im supposed to be doing. i have this urge to just cancel all of my accounts right now. except this one, 'course. yea. so im tired all the time. i need to see a doc...nd maybe a shrink. hmm. i dunno. whatever. *sigh* the harajuku dolls are pretty weird. i have a final any minute...i didnt study....ill do good. =)
ha guys i just came back fro that final i told u about...brutal.i felt like when i was gonna get a big award, im thinking graduation...but i wasnt excited that much u know? ...it was some other type of excited. like i was the chechire cat i couldnt stop smiling...nd had this compelling urge to burst out laughing.  i still kinda have that feeling. its like when i breathe its kinda hard to u know? like right now...i just totally want to squeal!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahahaha....i think i did so bad...but dont really care...why am i so ahahahah!EEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!aaaahahahahahahahaha. 
wtf is wrong with me? ahaha.

ok. so i met this kid on a heroes chat (i know why the hell was i on that?) but seriously first time on it and it was kinda interesting. Me and this other girl and other guy(aka guy)  sorta took over the chat. Then the talk turned flirty. Then the girl signed off. so it was me and Guy and another dude(also known as Dude)  that wanted to join our little circle. Then Guy asks if we have im. Dude says yea and gives it to us. then the Guy says if i have messenger i'm like yahoo and aim. Guy was like whats aim? Dude tells him. And then Guy gives me his. And tells us to add him. And then i'm like. ok. I didnt want to tell him i had it cause i wasnt sure if i wanted to give it to him...since u know guys(or it could have been a girl) on im is kinda creepy. I was like maybe hes a  30 yr old something trying to get something. which was totally not gonna happen. when i said i was downloading messenger i got a glimpse of the conversation between Guy and Dude. I had left for like 5  min. and Dude was like i dont think shes coming back and Guy was like she better come back. Which i thougth was aww but umm at the same time. So i asked my roomate and she said to go ahead and give it to him since i could always block him if it turned  out he was a perv. So i gave my address. Dude im'ed me the next day and wanted to know taht if i was gonna go online. i was like i dk. he was ill text u if i go on. Later Guy IM's me and he's like hey. i'm like hey. you know we make small talk and talk about nothing in particular. He ofcourse loaded a pic on his profile...i was like hot. and then asked me if i had a pic of myself...which i said no to cause...i thought that was weird. then i finallly uploaded a pic...and hes like i thought you were gonna be disgusting which i completely took offensively..."superficial bastard."  then i thought he was a perv cause he said something about arse which i took as ass or fuck...so that completely rang the alarm. (again i was thinking that it was an old man that was using his sons pics or something) i know...i hadve a vivid iimagination. so i confronted him and was like i thought u were gonna be a perv. which he reacted to..."im not a perv. lol" "im a nice guy" and i was like sure. and almost immediately he switched a pic of his abs to one of his face again. (i was practically laughing my ass off). THen i was like bye gotta go...when i reeally didnt. then i didnt talk to him till yesterday. He was like  i added u on facebook (which i still havent accepted n think he has me on limited). I was like i havent been on facebook...blah blah blah. yea. nd i told him...that from what we talked last time...it didnt sound like he had ever talked to a girl..."i thought you were gonna be disgusting."  then he flashed me a series of pics (all innocent...playing sports etc...) and he was like i wana see how u look like hopefully ur not fat...i was like "i thought u werent superficial" which he said that he had never said that. I was like im very fat...sometimes i cant fit through a door. which he laughed at nd said that he didnt believe me and i was like ok whatever im chubby...i dint pay attention to his thing cause roomate started talking to me. and then i got frustrated and told him what she was telling me...sso he could i dont knw.... whatever. thenalked a little about college and then he was impressed and i was like yea but if this doesnt work out i can work at hooters...which pays like 500 bucks every night...he laughed and was like u need tits for that...which i was like i have them...and said bye...that i would talk to him later. he said he was gonna be asleep. i came back from dinner and he was still on. so we talked a little and then he was like that i needed to add more pics of myself...which i said i would tomorrow (today) and said bye. that's it.... i dont know what he expects...cybersex? its not gonna happen. what do i expect? ummm not cyber sex. i dunno its just incredible that two ppl from completely diff places meet...and then realize they have stuff in common and that his dad was a soccer coach in nc where i live...and hes coming to stay with those ppl. isnt that incredible? well i think it is thats probably why i keep talking to him. oh well...i think i have a prob. with this...how will it end???

 ok. so this kid that i totally havent spoken in since forever but see every day for the first time actually talked to him. Really cute but thats it. It hit me a minute ago that he knew my name...and we've barely been introduced. THen i felt bad cause i didnt remember his name. hmmm...really cute though.

there's this guy that won't leave my dorm! He's a greaser kid...yucky. He keeps peeling his face. Wondering whether his skin is peeling because he got a sunburn.
what the fuck do i do to get him out here?

I' m hungry. And I don't know what to write. I'm sleepy and I can't sleep. I need money and I don't have any. My tummy hurts.

okay. I want to puke. It's disgusting how peppy and cheery he can be! It's so gross that he is always so ahhh!! How can he be like that?? It's so freakin weird. Is anyone out there seriously that into everything? So freakin peppy? OMG seriously, I just want to smack him for being like that.  Can you imagine that he actually stalked my number down to get me a study guide?? Can you believe that? I find that so weird. Whatever. Seriously, who does that? He's so aaahhh! I wonder if I can get him to listen to some punk rock and stuff...I have him pegged as a popy guy...hmmm. whatever...I just had to express my disgust. I'm listening to So much for my happy ending-I have to say it has to be one of her better songs. =0/

 aaahhhh. great. i just erased my entire post and the undo button won't bring it back. But whatever. What I was saying is that I'm confused. I'm like one of those ppl that try to fall for everyone/anyone. I mean I guess because I've never really been in love...I mean I've had only one big crush...and you know insignificant crushes. It's weird. I'm like a freshman in college. I know I should just give it time but I don't know. I see girls all around me crying their eyes out because their boyfriend left them. Is that love? Bawling your eyes out for a guy that probably doesn't even deserve the tears? I mean how can you fall for someone so completely...and is there a possibility that when you do find that seemingly 'perfect' relationship your not just diluting yourself to think that it is greater than it actually is? And that in the end your only crying because of the loss of that illusion. Because in the end...that's what everyone wants right? A fairy tale ending? A for life best friend (a real one)? A best friend that will always be with you...that you guys will never get bored together...but what else? Someone that gives you the hibby jibbys and what? That one big crush I had was in seventh grade...??? Yea. All my friends have this idea that if you think that a guy is hot...you like like him. No. You just think he's hot. But see what i want is a best friend ( the ultimate kind) the one that you would actually fall for and have the ultimate crush on. I don't want another little crush ( I've had too many); I want to know what the real one is like. I mean is it like in what my psychology class says...there' companion love and passionate love. Passionate love goes away but companion love lasts if you really like that individual. But again won't one get boring without the other? Seriously.

 ok...so here I am at 12:46 in the morning typing. It's friday. Bummer. 
This morning I find a stupid girl I barely talk to siting across from me at breakfast telling me how my roomate said i hated someone...and that things between my roomate and I were ackward. She said I had to be friendlier to people because I would never know when I would need them...that we were all basically using ppl. Today I met her in the laundry room and I said that I was trying to be really nice with the girl that I "supposedly" hate and she said not to be fake...I said I wasn't I was just being nice. Then she began saying that yea that we never kknow when we might need someone. I said that she seems to really enjoy "using" ppl...and she got all offended...when she was the one emphasizing that every stinkin minute. I just don't see when any of this is her business. Unless my roomate says something...why should I believe her. I think I should stay away from her...she seems like the type of girl that will mess up everything you say and make it into a big deal...she's a drama maker!!lol. If I stay away from her the more chances I'll have to stay away from drama...I mean we are in college for peepssakes!! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!

 I'm bored, tired, and hungry...no I'm not in deserted island...I'm at school.

 I hate sibling rivalry...I just talked to my sister and she told me that another of my sisters took an opportunity away from her that was really important...and said "if i can't have it you can't have it either." what is that? The sister who said that...she always goes for what she wants but I never thought she'd be so....
I see my aunts and uncles fighting over who has more and it makes me a little sick...i don't want to be like that. I don't want to be bitter and full of jealousy.... 

College has been great up till now...yet there's this thing...money...that i keep worrying about. I am at a stupid university that I didn't really want to be in and am paying 40,000 a year for! I could pull my hair.... My dorm? It looked like a jail cell when I first got there. My floor? It's pretty quiet and cool except that half of it is full of wannabe Paris Hiltons. It's hilarious when they try to talk to you about which one you think looks uglier...haley or hilary duff.... i just smirk and leave. Do they really consider that conversation? 
I mean its good here but...I'm not jumping with glee. By the way I'm a freshman.... My roomate is nice but I'm afraid she is what most ppl would consider a slut. She's like in a closet whore. Not trying to be mean...I'm just abruptly honest. I tell things how they are. So when she tells me that her boyfriend doesn't love her and that he thinks she's cheating on him...I can't feel sorry for her, even though she's crying her eyes out, because of the amount of guys she brings to our room every night ...and are complaining that her bed is too small for sex. I didn't bring my computer...cause it was a desktop...nd I planned to get a lap top here...so she lend me her comp...I was just browsing through the pictures folder...looking for the pictures I had uploaded...n there u go...I saw things I never wanted to know much less see. She is a total hoe...that's the simple truth. But what ever...everyone has their dirty little secret right? ....Still trying to figure mine out though.
I've found that listing my problems, or simply righting them down releaves some of my stress. My stress level has risen ever since I got to Miami...I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb that at any given second will explode...and just stop caring about anything.

College has been great up till now...yet there's this thing...money...that i keep worrying about. I am at a stupid university that I didn't really want to be in and am paying 40,000 a year for! I could pull my hair.... My dorm? It looked like a jail cell when I first got there. My floor? It's pretty quiet and cool except that half of it is full of wannabe Paris Hiltons. It's hilarious when they try to talk to you about which one you think looks uglier...haley or hilary duff.... i just smirk and leave. Do they really consider that conversation? 
I mean its good here but...I'm not jumping with glee. By the way I'm a freshman.... My roomate is nice but I'm afraid she is what most ppl would consider a slut. She's like in a closet whore. Not trying to be mean...I'm just abruptly honest. I tell things how they are. So when she tells me that her boyfriend doesn't love her and that he thinks she's cheating on him...I can't feel sorry for her, even though she's crying her eyes out, because of the amount of guys she brings to our room every night ...and are complaining that her bed is too small for sex. 
But whatever...evryone has their own "dirty little secrets"

 

 here I am...at my dream school. Do you see how the rainbow makes it look even better...they should seriously consider putting this picture in their brochures.